Chasing Pavements
by MorbidMandy
Summary: Magnus' thoughts in City of Glass right before and during the demon attacks, and before he goes to Alicante. Songfic. Song: Chasing Pavements by Adele. Malec.Yaoi.


**Another songfic. I should have been working on the next chapter of Chairman Meow, but this nagged at me until I finally gave in to it's tantrums and wrote it. Short, I know. Not really action-y, more cerebral action. Like thinking-y.**

**This is before Magnus goes to Alicante and is fighting and Alec is there and... But anyway, I'm kind of bending the book a little bit. Just the sequence in which things happened.**

**Song: Chasing Pavements by Adele. Look it up, seriously, it's such a good song.**

Magnus sat on his bright pink couch, surrounded by neon pillows, facing his television where a German model yelled at a bunch of designers. But for all he would have cared, she could have been yelling at fish.

Because, not for the first time that night, Magnus' thoughts had drifted to a certain blue-eyed Shadowhunter. Imagining how it would feel to slide his fingers over the boys silky skin...

But he roused himself from his mind. He'd made up his mind, he couldn't be with Alec... not unless he was willing to admit to himself that he did _not_ love his parabatai, the golden-haired Jace. He was absolutely... absolutely... completely... sure, that he couldn't be with Alec...

_I've made up my mind  
Don't need to think it over_

Then why was it that all he wanted to do was run over to the Institute and throw himself at Alec's feet. Why was it that every time he heard Alec's voice over his answering machine, he wanted to pick up and _beg_ him, beg him for forgiveness.

He had to accept it, though. Alec wasn't going to come to this conclusion on his own. As much as Magnus wished that he would, as much as Magnus prayed that Alec would suddenly realize that he loved Magnus... he knew it was an impossibility. A complete impossibility...

_If I'm wrong I am right  
Don't need to look no further_

Magnus should have stopped it earlier, he knew. But when he was with Alec, the words wouldn't come. He could be 100% in his reserve, sure that tonight would be the night that he would give Alec his ultimatum. Then he would open the door, and there Alec would be... looking adorable. And Alec would say something, and then Magnus would, and then there would be no thinking allowed, only feeling.

And Magnus felt very, _very_ attached to Alec. Even though he hadn't know Alec for that long. The first time he'd seen him-at that party he'd thrown for Chairman Meow-he'd known immediately that the dark-haired boy was something special.

At first he'd been able to pass off what he'd felt for Alec as lust but...

_This ain't lust  
I know this is love but_

It was love. He knew that now, knew it in the very fiber of his being.

Eight-hundred long years he'd roamed this earth, going through partners like he went through clothes. He'd only _truly_ cared for a few of them, but even then it was only care, not love. Never love, not like he had for Alec.

There had _never_ been anyone like Alec. And there never would be, he was sure of that.

Magnus turned and reclined, laying length-ways on the couch. He remembered vividly the first two-hundred years, back when he had still been concerned with things like _class_. Then he'd realized that class didn't matter, and so he'd dated anyone. Or, at least, any women. Then, about three hundred years after _that_, he'd experienced an awakening, when he discovered the joys of being with a man.

He'd always assumed that it was the best it got.

Oh God, how wrong he'd been.

With Alec... with Alec it was like the first time. With Alec, everything was brand-new. Every movement was full of wonder, full of joy and happiness... With Alec, everything was perfect.

After their first time together, he'd wanted to race outside and shout it to the world. To tell the world that he was the luckiest man in the world-because he had Alec, he _loved_ Alec. But...

_If I tell the world  
I'll never say enough  
'Cause it was not said to you_

No matter what he said to the world, he told himself, it would never be enough. Because he needed to say it to Alec. But how could he, knowing that when he said it to him...

Alec's eyes would get wide. And his cheeks would get red. And he'd stammer some excuse. And he'd leave. And he wouldn't return.

And Magnus would be left there, all alone, trying to pick up the pieces.

_And that's exactly what I need to do  
If I'd end up with you_

Magnus stood suddenly, accidentally launching Chairman Meow into the air. The cat let out a howl, and Magnus murmured an apology.

He _had_ to get his mind off of Alec. He needed a distraction, something simple but that would capture his attention.

Unfortunately, he'd spent most of the past two days doing just that. Dressing himself usually took an hour, or two... but he was already dressed. And his makeup was done. He was caught up on all of his work, and (for once) he didn't have clients banging down his door. Figured, when he has a cute little Nephilim boyfriend, _every_ Downworlder decides they need help, but the second he loses said boyfriend, they decide that they're just FINE.

Magnus dragged himself to his bedroom, where he stood in front of his vanity, looking down on the many bottles of glitter that cluttered there.

Suddenly he was overcome by a mixture of rage and grief... in that moment, he hated Alec.

He swept his arm over the top of it, sending the bottles down on the ground or against the wall. The glass shattered, and the glitter rained down.

_Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements,_

_Even if it leads nowhere?_

He wanted Alec to just open his fucking eyes and realize that he had it _made_. He had so many people who loved him, he had a family who _wanted_ him, and he had him, Alec had Magnus, who would do anything for him. Why the hell couldn't he just realize that?

Alec had everything! He had everything that Magnus had ever wanted, and he didn't... he didn't even realize it.

All of a sudden, all of the rage just left Magnus, leaving him feeling deflated, like a day-old balloon. He felt childish and useless, standing there throwing a fit. Breaking bottles, wasting glitter, and no doubt terrifying his cat.

He waved his hand lazily at the mess of glitter and glass and collapsed on his bed.

It was better if he went back to how he felt on the couch. Sad, depressed, but at least he was resigned to his fate.

_Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place,_

_Should I leave it there?_

He knew his place.

His place was to stand in the background, waiting to see if Alec ever really realized that he loved Magnus. His place was to sit in his apartment and listen as the man he loved left message after message begging him to pick up. His place was to sit there and have his heart break because all he wanted was to be loved back.

That's all he ever wanted.

_Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements_

_Even if it leads nowhere?_

~space~

Magnus laid on his bed, letting the day pass him by. The phone rang on and off for most of the day. Sometimes the person left messages, sometimes they didn't. He didn't care if they were calling saying that Valentine was invading Idris, he didn't _care_.

How could he?

He'd let his hopes get up a little when he heard Alec's voice over his machine saying, "I lo-"

_I build myself up and fly around in circles,_

_Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle,_

_Finally could this be it?_

"I lo-st my cell phone, so I don't know if you called. Did you?

But when his doorbell rang he dragged himself out of bed and ran a hand through his ha-OUCH! Damn it, he'd forgotten that he'd done spikes today (in a vain attempt to cheer himself up). No wonder Alec liked it better down-he was going to hurt himself one day with those lethal locks.

He straightened his clothes and answered the door, trying to keep his smile in place when he recognized a regular client of his.

Elias, an eternal 23, vampire. Also, interestingly enough, a hypochondriac. The fact that he was immortal didn't matter to him-he was so sure that he was dying from any number of mundane diseases.

"Yes?"

"Wow! I mean, um, Warlock Bane. I just wanted to see... if you were going to be opening a portal... you know, to Idris? Or rather, hehe, near it. And, um, if you were, could a few of us jump through with you?"

I rolled my eyes at his idiocy.

"Why the _hell_ would I be opening a portal anywhere remotely near Idris? And if I was, why would I let vampires come with me?"

Elias looked uncomfortable, "Well I heard that all the Warlocks w-were marching on the gates, y'know, after the attacks."

_Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements_

_Even if it leads nowhere?_

"What attacks?" Magnus' voice was deadly calm.

"The demon attacks."

_Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place_

_Should I leave it there?_

"Idris... was... attacked?"

"Alicante, actually. The attacks are still going on, from what I heard."

Alicante.

Attacked.

By demons.

Alicante.

Where Alec was.

Without him.

_Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements_

_Even if it leads nowhere?_

Magnus' arms went to either side, summoning to him his coat and his long-handled knife (a present from Alec-who insisted that Magnus should have _some_ form of protection other than his magic.

_Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements_

_Even if it leads nowhere?_

"A-Are you going to? Open a portal, I mean?"

Magnus swept past the stuttering vampire, slamming the door shut behind him.

"Tell your people to be ready in fifteen minutes. Usual place."

Elias went scampering off.

_Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place,_

_Should I leave it there?_

Magnus let himself lean heavily on the banister after he'd left.

Visions flew through his mind, each worse than the last.

Alec. Alone and bloodied, crying out for him... waiting for death, waiting for Magnus, waiting for...

The thought alone tore through Magnus like a bullet-no, like a cannonball, leaving a giant, gaping hole where his heart should be. Actually, scratch that all. A cannonball would be _infinitely_ more pleasant than Alec dying.

_Should I give up or should I just keep on chasing pavements._

_Should I just keep on chasing pavements?_

Magnus started moving again, stumbling down the stairs, tripping on the last one and ending up sprawled at the bottom of the stairs.

A tear made its way down his cheek. Not from the pain-although OW, he'd fallen on his arm. No, from the fact that he knew that despite his earlier resolve, he was going to go back to Alec.

He'd put up with it all. He'd accept the pain that Alec brought with him, he'd sacrifice his happiness for Alec's. Because when you love someone, that's what you do. You sacrifice yourself for the other person.

Love was irrational, painful, complicated, and messy. Oh God was it ever messy. When you _weren't_ in love you would preach against it, sure that you'd never get caught up in something that... idiotic. But once you were in love, you were in it. There was no way to get out of it. Magnus was sure of that.

_Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements,_

_Even if it leads nowhere._

Maybe he'd die. That was a comforting thought. Was it strange that when he thought of Alec dying, he felt half-dead himself, but when he imagined himself dead, he just felt a sort of resigned peace.

He was going there, and he'd kill as many demons as he could before he died himself. He would kill them so that they couldn't kill Alec.

_Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place_

_Should I leave it there?_

Magnus stood and walked out the door, on the way to see the love of his life, and very likely die.

At least he'd die in love.

_Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements,_

_Even if it leads nowhere?_

**Sooo, how was it? Seriously, if you hated it, tell me, but please try and be nice :) I know I'm not going to get as many reviews on this as I would if I posted a new chapter of my other story, but :) I like music.**

**I still have 15 other songs I want to write for, and if anyone feels the need to write something but has no inspiration, I (obviously) have a LOT of what I think are inspirational Malec songs.**

**Anyway, REVIEW please!**


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